I used to have a neighbor just like this growing up. She’d call our house to tell us she thought she saw smoke (which was always a party with a bonfire in our backyard) or a strange car in the driveway (which was always anyone from a cousin in her new car to the UPS delivery man IN THE BIG BROWN UPS TRUCK) or saw a cat prowling our driveway. She lived at least a quarter of the mile away across a cornfield, which was the funniest part. She was a family friend, though, and we were a village of 2,000 people, so we had to love her.

Ripping up your flower beds, though?! That’s crazy.

“Although I suppose that when your life revolves entirely around the administering of your daily suppository, you lose track of time.”

There is a neighbor who lives directly across from me. We’re in town houses to we basically share a patch of grass between houses. She’s an old, retired postal worker living alone who has nothing to do all day. She entertains herself by spying out her window and trying to find anything and everything she can get her neighbors in trouble for. Including calling the city because a piece of wood on the outside of our house rotted, calling the city because a neighbor had a business in there house, yelling at every neighbor with a pet and accusing them of not picking up after it. She’s even ripped up our flower beds. The worst part? She has a hearing aide. She likes to say nasty things to you and then pretend she can’t hear what you say back to her.

And you’re also such a badass! After reading this, I’m really glad I’m not your grandma.

Maybe I should show some pity.

When she gets cremated, mix her ashes with the Wednesday morning trash pick up:)