You really got me thinking about the possibility of this adorable squirrel pooping on my head, so I had to do the Googling you suggested, and it looks like I’m safe. Why is squirrel poop so much grosser in theory than bird poop, though? Is it because squirrels seem just a little bit more human than birds?

The only thing I worry for myself is that I’ll be one of those crazy old ladies who thinks red looks good on her. I can’t tell you how many hags I see on the bus with hair that’s super-dark-red in some places where they still have their natural hair color and super-light-red in the places where they’ve turned gray. Gross.

When I got the part about Kamran’s Man Hairs covering your face, I literally LOLed.

But…here’s the thing:

Are you, like, a hundred percent sure that was BIRD poop?

I mean, based on the squirrel’s whereabouts and all, he is, in fact, the more likely culprit. And for some reason, bird poop doesn’t gross me out, but squirrel poop makes me want to barf.

Then again, I have no idea what squirrel poop looks like and whether or not it bears any resemblance to bird poop. Google to the rescue!

But now that my golden years are looming right ahead of me, I’m positive it’s going to be directly opposite that. I’m already planning my Botox injection sites in the reflection of my monitor as we speak.

I think it’s because a few years ago, my grandmother stop coloring her hair. I was somehow under the impression that this 70-something-year-old logically still had totally black hair. But when she stopped coloring it and I saw that she looks just like every other grandma, I felt grossed out.

Of course, we both know I won’t live to that age.