As If eHarmony Hasn’t Been Made Fun of Enough

Filed under a taste for tv, everyone's married but katie, good times at everyone else's expense, my uber-confrontational personality

I know you’re supposed to be all happy for other couples when you’re in love, but yesterday, I found myself watching this commercial and thinking, “My greatest hope is that their relationship will end in a bitter, drag-out divorce”:

It’s the “I didn’t need the Internet back when I was into scoring random hos/hoes at bars, but my mom told me I need to keep it in my pants now” line that really makes me want to see him unhappy, I think.

Of course, I’ve always wanted to see these two fail miserably, but only because their painting o’ love is so sad. It includes a handprint, for God’s sake:

I swear I’m totally happy myself, though.

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14 Comments

  1. Mark says:

    You’re not alone in hating these people. I’d definitely would not enjoy talking to any of these people at a party. First guy’s obviously a jerk. Second couple’s obviously super-pretentious.

    • I think I’d like talking to them at a party, actually, but only to smugly slip mention of my vastly superior non-eHarmony relationship into every sentence.

      Not that I don’t appreciate what the ads are trying to do. I don’t know how every single person in the entire country (or at least the straight, Christian ones) hasn’t been suckered into signing up after seeing some of these.

  2. cow says:

    My personality profile was rejected by e-harmony, they forwarded it to the FBI, always read those terms and conditions.

  3. Bob Dole says:

    Haters

    • Here’s another one for you: the second video is entitled “Tanyalee and Johsua”. So now I hate whoever titled the video and misspelled the dude’s name, too.

  4. Kelly says:

    I HATE eHarmony. HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE. According to them, I’m compatible at the deepest levels only with toothless rednecks with seventh-grade educations.

    Match.com is no better. So I decided to try CatholicMatch.com, which might as well have been called CatholicMutants.com. The discussion boards were all about the evils of Sex and the City and whether or not tongue-kissing is a mortal or a venial sin.

    HATE.

    At this point, I am well and truly convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that my dating days are past. Not that I didn’t enjoy them (I’m one of those freaks who actually LOVES dating), but I would have enjoyed them a lot MORE had I known how quickly they would be over.

    In other words, I would have acted a lot sluttier.

    • I’d never heard the word “venial” before, so at least some good has come of this.

      Are you only compatible with those toothless rednecks because they’re the only men in a 20-mile range from you? Maybe it’s time to look into dating your brothers.

      I really think eHarmony is for people with no discernible personality whatsoever. The only couples I know who have met through the site are types who have no requirements for how their mates should act/look or what they should like to do/watch/listen to. So yeah, I don’t think it’s right for you.

      But seriously, you’re done dating?!

      • Tracey says:

        Funny. Nathan is one of the pickiest people I know and he still managed to find someone to his liking on e-Harmony. Then again, I’m sure he didn’t care much about the things we would care about — like taste in music and movies and whatnot. He just liked that she was a doctor and a virgin.

  5. Tracey says:

    I forgot to ask:

    What would you and Kamran put on your painting o’ love?

  6. mwa ha ha. dancing at 5am covered in plaster dust…so romantic. (barf) that girl annoyed me beyond words.

    i actually work with a woman who met a guy on eharmony and they are now happily married. he wasn’t a serial killer, man-child, or anything like that. he’s a teacher and my hubs actually went to school with him. :)

    there are 1 or 2 normal people on eharmony…you just have to wade through the million or so freaks first.