Unjunked

Filed under why i'm better than everyone else

When my company decided about a month ago that my boss–the president until we were acquired by a larger company–wasn’t needed any longer, I offered my immense catalog of services to our marketing department. Mostly so I could attend marketing seminars and steal all of the SEO info for my blog but also because I’m a supremely motivated individual. Who didn’t want to lose her job because no one could figure out what she did anymore without the president around.

In this time, the marketing department has allowed me to use my writing skillz to send out a couple of branded e-mails to our customers, inviting them to events and reminding them that the best place to spend money in this time of economic disaster is on luxury software. And in this time, I’ve also found out that bigtime executives who don’t care about my invites and reminders do this fun little thing called unsubscribing.

Which is something I’ve never even considered in my many years of Interneting. I buy all sorts of things online and inadvertently get signed up for every mailing list in existence, but I’ve always figured that’s what junk e-mail addresses are for. The other day, though, I signed into my junk mail address and unsubscribed from all of the mass mailings I get. All of the offers on my favourite underwear from American Eagle, all of the daily temptations from Amazon.com, all of the NRA propaganda my dad signed me up for and laughed about later.

And it feels amazing. I like unsubscribing so much that I’ve started unsubscribing on my work e-mail, too. I’m starting to become one of those super-indignant people who’s like, “Bitch, did I not send you an unsubscribe request yesterday?! GET ME OFF YOUR LIST!” My former life with a spam-filled inbox just seems so childish. I really feel now as if I have the power.

And now I’m off to tell FreshDirect to take their 10% off e-mails and shove them.

Comments Closed

22 Comments

  1. Jack says:

    Does this mean that I can’t hire you as my personal DDR trainer?

    • I’m afraid that despite the huge amounts of cash you’d no doubt offer me, I couldn’t accept you as a client purely due to your inability to move your legs independently of each other.

  2. Kylie says:

    !ncRea$e th3 size Of y0ur unsuB scriPt1ons !!

    dear Unapol Mundan=
    #pLeas Your’e bLog reade$r wi?H (((MORE MuNDAniTY?)))
    ???????
    cLik ->hEre<-!

    • I’m sorry, but that’s agreat song. I can’t believe that voice comes out of that little man. I’m sad I have that little link preview app, though; the tiny URL adds loads of mystery.

      Anyway, best comment ever.

      • Kylie says:

        i was actually a little concerned that the comment wouldn’t get through because it looked so much like actual spam. i’m pretty proud of myself for it, to be honest.

        clearly you need to turn off the url preview function. you’re ruining the joy of rickroll!

        • It looked so good that Tracey actually IMed me today to ask what was up with my spam filter allowing it to get through. After considering it, she thought it might be a joke, but the duplicate posting of it had her convinced it was spam. Awesome!

          • Kylie says:

            CHAMPION! the duplicate posting was actually an accident, due to me messing up the rickroll html the first time. a happy accident, because it really does add to the overall spamminess. i wonder if the people who write spam emails are hiring! clearly it is my true calling.

            • Oh, hey, I forgot to tell you I was going to suggest you become a KGB agent. One of my LJ Friends is one of them and gets to answer questions from home. Perfect for both your spamming capabilities and your hermitness.

              • topsyturvytown says:

                that does sound like the ideal job for me. how much does it pay?

                • This is what my friend said:

                  “It’s okay if you’re going to be online anyway (I’m stuck to the computer most of the day for my other job) but it probably doesn’t pay enough if your other option is actually going out and living life. You get $.10/text, which is fine for the questions that are easy, or that have suggested answers pop up from the kgb website (which takes 2 seconds.) But then you’ll get a question that takes five minutes to find the answer for, and then you’re like, ‘I just worked five minutes for ten cents. Stripping doesn’t sound sooo bad…'”

  3. Kylie says:

    !ncRea$e th3 size Of y0ur unsuB scriPt1ons !!

    dear Unapol Mundan=
    #pLeas Your’e bLog reade$r wi?H (((MORE MuNDAniTY?)))
    ???????
    cLik ->hEre<-!

  4. Tracey says:

    Does this mean you’re going to start unsubscribing to all of your Google Reader feeds, too?

  5. Tracey says:

    Jerkface.

    You can always unselect me in your Google Reader if you no longer want to see my shares. So sorry I’m cluttering up your life.

  6. Kelly says:

    Since I’m in the midst of OCD Flareup ’09 (see: obsessive decluttering of Chez Bachelor Girl), I actually started to drool whilst reading this post.

    Now you’re never going to let me come visit, are you?

  7. natalie says:

    ha! i recently did the same thing and still get pissy when tiffany and co. INSIST on sending me more junk email. i didn’t even BUY anything from them…i just had something cleaned! i think i’m going to make up a fake email (nat’s spambox@gmail.com perhaps?) for all the times i have to put an email address on something that is not important. then i won’t be bothered with it! ahahah

  8. Emily says:

    I never was much of an unsubscriber, either, until I got a Blackberry. Suddenly, all of those little mailing list emails that I mindlessly mass-deleted before without much thought or effort became THE MOST ANNOYING AND LABOR-INTENSIVE INVENTIONS IN THE HISTORY OF LIFE when they kept showing up in my BBerry inbox, causing it to beep and flash at me every few seconds. The unsubscribing spree that followed was so completely satisfying that I almost signed up for a whole new set of mailing lists just so I could unsubscribe from them again. *Almost.*

  9. Sandy says:

    I recently unsubscribed from everything because, thanks to the tanking economy, my mass email volume quadrupled. Clearly sending me more email about your crap that I never ever buy will turn me into a cash-secreting zombie. Know who refuses to acknowledge my unsubscribe? Borders Reward Perks. They also refuse to be spammified. Bastids.