Minister for Hire

Filed under all of my friends are prettier than i am

My friend, co-worker, and neighbor Steven is your typical Brooklyner: unwashed hair, ironic t-shirts, indie rock collection, random facial hair, the works. The only time we won the weekly Pete’s Candy Store Quizz-Off trivia competition, it was because he and his brother were there. You can count on him to show up to every social activity and to make it better with amazing karaoke and drinking skillz. You can also count on him to perform your wedding.

Steven became an ordained minister through the Universal Life Church a while back, but he just recently got his marriage officiant certification and can now join a man and a woman in holy matrimony. He’s unsure if he’s allowed to join a man and a man or a woman and a woman, but he’d certainly be glad to if he finds out it’s okay. As long as they’re in love, he says.

You’d trust this man with the most important day of your life, right?


  1. Serial says:

    Yeah, maybe. Only after he discovers shampoo.

  2. Patio says:

    He has nice hands and teeth. I’m pretty sure that’s all that matters.

    • Because he’s from Ohio, of course. He went to Miami of Ohio for college, which I hope means something to you. He swears he liked it there, but I think he’s deluding himself.

  3. natalie says:

    i’m already married…but if i go back for seconds, i’ll give him a call!

    • Hey, speaking of which, is there a blog entry surrounding your wedding, or was that in the pre-Internet days?

      • natalie says:

        we got married almost 9 years ago (and have been together for 17)…so nothing on the blog about it. i did blog our anniversary last year (9/22) with a picture…but i’m too lazy to link it. mwa ha ha.

  4. Kinard says:

    I performed my first wedding two weekends ago. It’s scary stuff, man.
    PS – I’m just a notary public. Don’t know if they can do that in every state, but we sure can in SC.

    • That’s so cool! Was it people you knew, or did they just pick you off a website of notary publics because they liked the sound of your name?

      My boss once decided to try to send me to a notary public class, but it never got approved by the higher-ups. It was very sad for me, because I really wanted that embosser to carry around in a black velvet bag.

      • Kinard says:

        They are some really good friends of mine. I was already thinking of getting my commission to marginally help in the job search, and they needed an officiant, so it worked out great.

        Here, you basically pay $25, send in a form, sign your name at the courthouse once you’re approved, et voila. No classes. You do have to buy your paraphernalia, like the embosser, but I went for a stamp. Apparently they’re requiring that now in the age of “telefaxes.” Whatev. SC can be so backward, but so easy sometimes.

  5. Tracey says:

    Awww, we would have used him if he had done this any quicker!

    I was all about asking someone we knew to get certified to do this in order to marry us, but Dan thought it would be a weird thing to ask.

    • Totally! He’s from Ohio, you know, so he could’ve used it as an excuse to see his family. Which means you would’ve had to invite them to your wedding. But considering that you invited my entire family, that probably wouldn’t have been much of a stretch.

      Who would you have asked?

  6. Kelly says:

    Though he needs a bit of a trim, he’s pretty cute, and I’m a firm believer in having as many hot guys as possible at my wedding(s) so that if the groom decides to pull a disappearing act, I’ll have other options.

  7. It would take a hell of a lot of tequila shots (no regular Cuervo I’m into 1800 now), I mean I’d have to be right on the verge of alcohol poisoning before letting Steven to do the honors at my wedding (no offense Steven).

    I’d actually have to have an AR-15 (filled with a full clip of Armour piercing bullets) pointed in my back to actually get married…unless it was to some crazy hot freaky chick with a masters degree and makes more money than I do (I know…I’m aiming for the holy grail).

    Seriously…I think about getting married a lot, but then to go to a club and I get together with some chicks, have a 3some and I kinda don’t want to anymore. What’s a guy to do?