Haute Butt

Filed under too much information

Do you spend all sorts of money on totally useless crap but feel unwilling to pay basically nothing for necessities?

I ask, because I was wearing a pair of really comfortable underwear yesterday, and whilst admiring their fabric and construction on the toilet, I realized that they belong to my best friend, Tracey. My first thought was, “I have to get these back to her!” Because really great underwear are not something I have in abundance, and I assume that’s true for everyone else, too.

But as I thought more about it, I realized that normal people probably don’t think of underwear like I do. My absolute favourite pairs, for instance, are from American Eagle. I don’t normally shop at that store and would have never thought to buy underwear from it, but my non-wicked stepmother took me there to return some of my step-siblings’ jeans after Christmas ’07 and forced me to pick out some for myself. I was generally skeptical despite the super-cute polka-dot and sailboat patterns, but I soon discovered that they’re the best underwear in life–soft, thick, durable, and generally not skanky.

Yet I’ve never owned any past those three pairs, appalled at the idea of spending $7.50 on something no one but Kamran will ever see. (Or, if my dad’s reading this, something NO ONE BUT ME will ever see.) I’m absolutely aware of the fact that these underwear are now two years old and are in perfect condition, yet $7.50 still seems crazy somehow. Even when I’ll drop $7.50 on a Chipotle burrito–something I’ll enjoy for a maximum of an hour, if you don’t count the four days’ worth of black bean burps–without a second thought.

So I went crazy on Friday and used a Visa giftcard from my work to buy 11 pairs of underwear online. I felt like such a badass money-waster. Even though I bought them on clearance, of course.


  1. caropal says:

    Um. You wear your friends’ underwear? Is this something a lot of people do, or is that as weird as I think it is?

    • Sometimes I have accidents while I’m in Ohio, and Tracey lends me her underwear, because that’s what best friends do.

      Usually she lends me giant granny ones that she bought on accident or somesuch, but she made a big mistake this time.

      • Tracey says:

        When DID I give you a non-granny pair? Until I read this comment, I totally assumed you were wearing those gigantic briefs I gave you. (I have a few more pairs of them hanging around if you ever want some, by the way.)

        • Yeah, sorry, but you totally messed up and gave me this really great pair of very normal pink ones that are really stretchy, like Lycra maybe. I have a couple pairs of very similar ones, so I’ve worn yours a couple of times before realizing they’re not mine. I’ll mail them to you after we do laundry this weekend, though, now that I have them identified. ‘Cause trust me, you want them back.

  2. Emily says:

    I TOTALLY DO THIS. I just dropped $40 buying lunch for my brother, sister in law, and myself yesterday, but I have been putting off buying another bra for months now, even though I only have two left, because I hate the idea of spending $30 on a piece of underwear. Why are we like this, Katie Ett?

    • I’m the same way with bras! When I decide I absolutely must have new ones, I wait until the Victoria’s Secret semi-annual sale, snatch up everything in sight, and pray that they last the rest of my life. The funny thing is that I have drawers and drawers of cheap bras I hate wearings, so I should obviously just stop spending money on those and drop the $50 on a VS bra that I know I’ll wear a million times. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

  3. Emily says:

    Yeah, one of my two bras was a really expensive fancy one that was on clearance, but the other one is practically falling apart. If I don’t get a new bra soon, I’m going to join the ranks of Austin hippies who don’t wear bras or shave their armpits.

    • I sort of want to buy you a bra out of pity, but I also really like the idea of you as an unshaven, boob-swingin’ hippie. Especially ’cause I know ALL ABOUT your boobs.

      • Emily says:

        This is true. You are one of the only women in the universe who knows ALL ABOUT my boobs.

        Well, that’s not true. But you’re one of the only women whom I still know who knows ALL ABOUT my boobs.

        P.S. Braless. Right now.

        • Emily says:

          P.P.S. What’s the word for going braless? If it’s “commando” when you’re without underwear, does that mean it’s “bramando” when you’re without a bra?

          • I actually thought about using the word “commando” to describe your hippie bralessness yesterday but also wondered if there was something better. Brain twins!

        • So if I’m reading this correctly, once someone knows too much about your boobs, you defriend them? OR KILL THEM?

          • Emily says:

            No, it’s more like they defriend me. I guess my boobs are either so terrifyingly ugly that they can’t look at me anymore without hurling all over their shoes, or they feel threatened by my boobs’ gigantitude and find their own boob insecurity to be an insurmountable obstacle to our friendship.

  4. natalie says:

    dear god woman! where is your fiscal responsibility?!! we’re in a depression and you’re burning up food dollars on some gotchies!!! oh, the humanity…

    i hope they taste good when you broil them after running out of food. haaha

  5. Wow. My crush is over.
    I totally don’t want to date you, and your old beat up underwear sharing friends anymore.

    Now I feel all evil for getting a Frederick’s of Hollywood account to let women order sexy underwear sets to wear for me when I come into town to see them.

    (Just to show that I’m not totally a pig)
    Now I’ll have to ask them would you rather wear comfortable big undies instead of that v-string?

    But knowing the women I prefer, I’m sure their idea of big underwear is a thong.