The Week of Tracey’s Wedding Minus the Wedding Itself

Filed under all of my friends are prettier than i am, everyone's married but katie, no i really do love ohio

Before I get into all the to-do surrounding my best friend Tracey’s wedding, allow me to showcase the other awesomeness that occurred during my five-day trip back home to Ohio.

After picking me up at the airport on Tuesday night as is tradition, Tracey whisked me back to her apartment to see if three months of working out every day and eating only half as many quesadillas as I would’ve liked made me lose the FIVE INCHES I needed to in order to fit into the lovely black satin and tulle bridesmaid’s dress she’d purchased for me.

Finding that I still needed at least a half an inch less flesh to get the thing zipped, we drove down the street to Walmart (yes, Walmart) and bought two body-shaping corset things. But it turns out that they’re not like getting liposuction at all. Even the one that was so tight I had to bend over and hold on to the dining room table while Tracey attempted to snap it closed didn’t work. Tracey calmly told me that maybe we should’ve just had the dress altered back in December when I first found out I’d had her buy it way too small, but I appreciated the motivation, and hey, I did manage to lose at least four inches. So suck it, Tracey.

The next afternoon, after a trip to the fabric store, she drove me down to our hometown to visit our old neighbor, who happens to make wedding gowns for a living. Her scrapbook full of bridesmaid’s dresses from the 80s with puffy sleeves made out of what looked like floral-print carpet were a real treat, but the best part of the day was chasing her six pet chickens around the yard, where they freely roam:


That evening, I went over to visit my friends Katie and Nick, who are married and have a home and a baby and cook dinner and seem totally weird to me:

I’ve been friends with Katie since we were in the womb and met Nick in college while working at the science museum in Columbus where Tracey would have her wedding, and since I set them up, I take particular interest in their relationship and pretty much claim their kid as my own, because 10-month-old Baby Maria is sort of the cutest thing ever:

Even my dad agrees that a baby has never been cuter, and as my father, he’s not technically allowed to say that.

Visiting them makes me feel like living in our hometown wouldn’t be the worst idea possible, because they have things like a finished basement with a bar!:

Where they have things like creme de menthe on hand at all times!:

And where they teach their children to be lushes!:

Ohio is HEAVEN, I tell you! Listening to David Bowie on vinyl, drinking homemade cocktails, and tossing balls at a baby on a pool table:

The next morning, I went with my dad to get the tires changed on his truck, which turned out to be an hour of standing around, listening to men talk about how hard it must be for stock car racers in an economy like this with the cost of tires so high. My dad is an enviable small-talker, so I busied myself with Chubby, the garage dog who eats nuts, bolts, and scrap rubber:

You can’t tell, but Chubby is chewing on a hex wrench here.

But the best part of the garage were these words stenciled all over the floor, not that I’m elitist or judgemental:

So, who’s coming back with me next time?


  1. caropal says:

    Me! But mostly because I want to eat the baby and snorgle the bulldog. And make out with you. (Wait, what?)

    • Oh, I forgot to mention that the bulldog was the DIRTIEST THING I have ever touched in my entire life. As someone who gets grossed out touching the mail, having to spend an hour waiting for the guys to finish with the tires with dirt all over my hands was terrifying. But snorgle away.

  2. Smail says:

    Ooh! What drink do you make with the 409?

  3. natalie says:

    but wait!!!!!!!!! what happened with the dress? did i miss it?

    • Oh, um, yeah, I didn’t really explain it. The extra fabric and the trip to see the old neighbor with the chickens who happens to make wedding gowns for a living equaled two thin panels down each side of the dress that gave me an inch of wiggle room. It ended up looking like nothing had been done to it, AND I was comfortable all night.