Pretty Much the Least Grateful Party Guest Ever

Filed under all of my friends are prettier than i am, good times at everyone else's expense, it's fun to be fat

Saturday night was one of my friends-from-when-we-worked-at-Barnes-and-Noble-together’s birthday party at a bar with the least character possible. Dominique was turning something ridiculous like 38–even though she acts more like eighteen–so it made sense that the party started at SEVEN P.M. And that everyone therefore left at nine.

I didn’t want to make polite/faux smalltalk with old co-workers and her family members who had driven in from Pennsylvania (what?), so instead, I sat and talked to my friend Nastassia all night and showed her my best seated dance moves, which are apparently not so impressive. The highlight of the night, though, was scraping all of the icing off the cupcakes Dominique had made–no doubt from the The Magnolia Bakery Cookbook

eating it, and wrapping the cake back in some used wrapping paper. I thought the crinkled mess would tip her off that it wasn’t really a gift, but she opened it with all of the gusto of Christmas morning:

And this is why I don’t have more friends.


  1. spaghedeity says:

    No, you have no other friends because I’m the only friend you’ll ever need, obv.

    • The only friend I’ll ever need would never pass up a chance to meet me in OHIO for CHRISTMAS, even if it meant sleeping on the big STONE COUCH in front of the White Castle on High Street.

      • Todd says:

        You mean the couch in front of the parking lot next to Skullys, which is totally not next to the White Castle? You mean that one?

        • White Castle isn’t next to Skully’s? I was actually going to say Skully’s and then rethought it, knowing that Aaron wouldn’t know what it is.

          God, I’ve really lost touch with my roots, huh? And I was just there a week ago, even.

  2. Todd says:

    Poor Dominique. Worst gift ever, ya jerk.

    • What about the time I gave you herpes for your birthday? At the time, you thought it was a pretty terrible gift, though now we can look back at it and laugh and laugh and laugh.

      • Todd says:

        But it was the festive kind of herpes, so it was ok. I just didn’t want to oversell my excitement at getting the sweetest gift ever.

  3. Katie you are sooooo special.
    You’re the gift that keeps on giving….even when the person doesn’t want it.

    I recently joined a Yahoo group called
    “Guys who escaped getting herpes from Katie”.