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I’ve never been a smoker. Although I think it looks cool when really hot people congregate outside trendy clubs and damn the man for banning smoking indoors while they enjoy their menthols and ultra lights, I think it looks an equal amount of gross when ugly people do it. I hate the idea of vices, too, (though I’m clearly addicted to sugar and sunshine) so the people standing twenty feet from our office building on their cigarette breaks in the dead of winter are really unattractive and pathetic-seeming to me. I hate the way smoke smells on people’s clothing, I hate that anyone’s willing to pay $9 per pack for something they don’t even enjoy but have to have, and I really hate the “Cigarettes take ____ years off my life? Well, they’re the shitty years, anyway” argument. I won an award in 6th grade for my outstanding essay on why I was drug-free for our D.A.R.E. program, although naturally I was too cool to show up to receive it, much like the kids who actually did smoke in junior high.

In fact, when there was the possibility that I’d have to smoke as part of my background role in a forthcoming Meryl Streep film (I know I’m a bit of a showoff, but you’re lucky I don’t mention that every day), Boyfriend Kamran had to take me outside his apartment building and show me the hippest ways to light and hold the things. Even under his instruction, I mostly ended up looking like this:


Please note that this is NOT outside Kamran’s apartment. I don’t want you thinking he lives under an overpass.

Still, for some reason, I loooooooooooooooove the way smoke smells on a man’s breath. Please explain.

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10 Comments

  1. caropal says:

    That’s quite possibly the funniest expression I’ve ever seen you make. Well done.

    • Oh, god, if only you knew. There are a thousand pictures of me EVERY DAY that are fifteen times worse than this one, but I can’t post them out of sheer embarrassment.

      I sort of resemble a little old man, though, right?

  2. Thrift Store Underwear says:

    I still want to know how to puff smoke rings from a Churchill cigar, but your flaccid cigarette will have to suffice for now.

    also, I’d send you more details on the I QUIT post, but I forgot your email. Maybe I can do it via Facebook.. that seems kinda ineffectual though

    • Are you suggesting that I should create a how-to lesson on the many ways to look cool while smoking for this blog? It’s a brilliant idea; teenagers everywhere must be searching the Internet for that daily.

      I hate when people write their e-mail addresses this way, but . . . plumpdumpling at unapologeticallymundane dot com.

  3. Moo says:

    Because you’re a dirty whore?

    I hear holding a knife standing in profile with a dark foreground makes you look awesome.

    • It’s probably an innate farm girl thing. After spending years and years around my dad’s smoking farmer friends, maybe my brain equates smokebreath with manliness and the ability to fix things. Which has nothing to do with being a whore, jerk. Although it does have a lot to do with being a hick, which is maybe worse.

  4. Tracey says:

    I totally can’t explain why you love smoke-breath on men. Although, it makes me wonder how many of each of our past kissing partners smoked. Maybe some of your favorites were smokers, which makes you associate smoke-breath with sexiness?

    Now that I think of it, I don’t think a SINGLE ONE of the boys I’ve kissed was a smoker. That seems kind of impossible, right? Maybe I don’t know what I’m missing.

    • Yeah, now that we’ve talked about this, I totally blame it on Dave. The first night we went out, he smoked as we walked around the park, and I thought he was the beeeeeeest kisser (though that obviously changed later . . . twice). I said last night that a whole bunch of my kisses were from smokers, but I think it’s actually only four them. They were a good four, though.

      You really don’t know what you’re missing. Has Dan ever smoked a single cigarette? It’d be a real bonding experience if you two did that together for the first time just to see how you like kissing each other afterward.

  5. yourtourniquet says:

    I tend to date smokers. I hate everything about smoking.. but I still sometimes like the taste on their mouths, too. I do think it is a psychological thing.

    Love that picture.