Why I’m Better Than Everyone Else: Reason #1
I approach Kamran’s apartment building after work and see that one of the revolving doors is being held up by a woman with both hands full of groceries. The back of her is frumpy in a baseball cap and raincoat, and she’s sort of waddling so she can push the door forward a little at a time with an armful of bags. Figuring that I can help her out with my empty hands, I give the door a push, but it turns out to be too much, and it sort of propels her forward unexpectedly into the lobby. I smile apologetically and say, “I’m sorry!”, but she turns around and glares at me. Seeing that she’s listening to her iPod, I say sorry again just in case she missed it, but she lets out this huge huffy sigh and doesn’t change her facial expression. So I naturally say, “Way to be a bitch,” and continue on to the elevator. Just as the door is closing, she steps in front of it, still struggling with her plastic bags, and I reach out like I’m going to push the button to open it, but then I drop my hand to my side and smile as she disappears behind the closed door.
God, I fucking love you. You do all the right things at all the right times; things that I only realise I should have done hours after the opportunity has passed.
The problem with me is that I usually feel horribly guilty after the initial oh-shit-I’m-so-awesome has passed. In this case, though, the smugness went on and on.
I’m sure that once you realize what you should’ve done, you later do it to someone completely innocent, which has to make it ten times the fun.
Reason #2:
You use two comment links, so your readers never have to move their mice more than half a screen width.
I was considering adding the comment link at varying intervals throughout each entry, too, just so you can be reminded at every turn how needy I am.
Dude, why can’t I do that?
Your mama done raised you better than mine did.
Wow, New York has made you kind of bitchy too. I love it!
Are you insinuating that I was nice when we were back in Ohio?
Everyone in Ohio is nice. It’s a state law.
And what do they do to punish you when you break it?
That was mean!
But, like, in a way that you find sort of sexy, right? In a way that you respect and wish to emulate?