In Which Kamran Dips His Hand in Poo

Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession

February 1st, 11 a.m.

Kamran: oh god katie
my worst nightmare just came true
my phone fell in the toilet
I feel woozy
i seriously feel nauseous. i might cry.
please don’t tell anybody
It’s still working?
Kamran: i dont think so
it’s wrapped in paper towels in my drawer right now
it’s making funny colors. i dont think it’s working
me: Ahh, geez.
What happened?
Kamran: it was in my pocket, apparently not deep enough. when i stood up to zip up, it fell out and into the toilet
i fished it out (dear god) and dried it off with toilet paper. then i washed my hands fifty times
me: I feel so bad!
Kamran: me too
i cant even get my numbers and stuff off of it. they’re all lost
my life has been rebooted
the pics you sent, my chess record
me: Wow.
Kamran: Give me your phone number
i quite literally feel like throwing up …
me: I know just how you feel.
Kamran: oh yea?
me: When a story I’ve been working on gets deleted, when my hard drive has crashed, etc.
Kamran: yea. when you’ve had to fish your phone out of a bowl of your own shit
do you think i can get a new phone with service and everything over my lunch break, or is that too ambitious?
me: I think you can. Easily.
Kamran: so i’d have a working phone this afternoon?
me: Yes.
Kamran: and i wouldnt need to take my old one in
me: Why not?
Kamran: because it was in a bowl of my shit
and i’d rather not carry it around
me: Well, I’d say you might want to bring it in case there’s a warranty.
Kamran: i’m too embarrassed to explain it
why it’s wrapped in paper towels
i should just suck it up and consider it a $300 lesson
that fucking sucks
What a dumbass i am
me: Don’t feel that way. Could’ve happened to anyone.
Kamran: besides, i doubt the warranty covers this
me: If there’s a warranty, it covers anything that you might do to it.
I know people who have run over their phones with their cars just to get a new one.
Kamran: wouldn’t i need to go home and check the box and stuff?
or would they do it just based on the phone itself
even though it doesnt turn on
me: Yep, if it won’t turn on, that’s probably grounds for getting a new one.
Kamran: what a fucking hassle
me: Just tell them that you dropped it in water.
Kamran: yea, i will
meantime, i’ll cringe every time they or I have to touch it

Later That Afternoon

Kamran: i should probably take the battery out of my old phone before i throw it away, right?
i dont really want to touch it though
not to keep the battery or anything, but just in case it’s a fire hazard or something
meh, i guess if it was going to blow up, it probably would have by now
me: Well, keeping the battery isn’t a bad idea, anyway.
Kamran: but it has poo in it
me: Clean it!
Kamran: –puke–
Listen, it hasn’t been that long since I reached bare-handed into a pool of my own lukewarm feces. I’m still a little sensitive.
me: Man up.
Bear Grylls does this sort of thing every day.
Kamran: I’m SO gonna poo on you in your sleep tonight
maybe i’ll poo in a bag, slip it up over your hand, and affix it with a rubber band, so as to avoid getting the bed dirty

Later That Night

We stopped by his office after dinner, and he revealed that he was keeping the poo-stained BlackBerry in his desk drawer:

When he threw it in the trash a moment later, the little red message light at the top stayed on, and we imagined some poor cleaning lady fishing it out, thinking that it was still working and that she’d made a real find. Mwahahahaha.

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