Monthly Archives: March 2008

Burble Glurble Murble

Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession, fun times on the subway

No, seriously, I swear that I actually find this sexy:

I especially love that my camera has no idea how to focus on that nonsense.

Let It Be

Filed under super furry animals

When I find myself
In times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,


I am not the least bit Irish.

Filed under all of my friends are prettier than i am, holidays don't suck for me, par-tay

When you’re a Persian, a Korean, and a German, you naturally spend your St. Patrick’s Day eating . . .


My co-worker Sonya met Kamran and me for dinner on Monday night at Yakitori Torys for what has become our new favorite thing: random meats, skewered and dunked in sweet sauce for grilling. We’ve been going to a place in the East Village called Oh! Taisho regularly now since Sonya introduced us to it, but after knocking out all of the chicken gizzards and french-fries-dipped-in-cod-roe and other such nonesense there, we thought we were ready to try some softened chicken bones at Torys. That’s right; softened, grilled chicken bones. No meat. Just bones. Delish.

The place was full, so we got to sit at this table in the middle of the room that had a frame built around it and curtains covering it from all sides. We started off with a bowl of shredded chicken with bitter melon and fish flakes, and once I got past the fact that I was eating dried fish when I don’t even eat wet fish, I really enjoyed the saltiness that it added to the chicken. And after biting into the bitter melon, Kamran and I ruminated on the fact that even as twentysomethings, we can experience a taste that’s brand new to us. They were already sold out of a lot of the limited dishes, so unfortunately there were no chicken knees to be had, but we filled up on skewers and skewers of kobe beef tongue and pork with scallions and chicken with plum sauce and shishito peppers. Even better than all of those, though, were the steamed vegetables with wasabi mayonnaise and green tea salt. And my figurative hat is off to any restaurant that can make me like steamed anything. Kamran picked up our $100 tab, naturally, ’cause that’s just how he rolls.

There was a whole lot of carryin’-on in the streets that Sonya wouldn’t let us go home without adding to, so we stepped into a bar called the Pig n Whistle on 3rd for an Irish Car Bomb drank in time to a cheesy pop song, with me shouting slurred commands in the background:

I particularly love hearing myself saying, “Lefth guh! Lefth guh!” at the beginning. And, uh, I’d only had about two sips of my drink at that point. But at least I didn’t hold a squishface at the end of the video like Sonya did, thinking I was taking a picture rather than a video.

Here, Kamran and Sonya show the curdled remnants of their bombing

and then Sonya . . . gives me cheekwings? attempts to make me drink her curds? I have no idea.

Sonya shows off her green

and I show off my tongue

yet despite these shenanigans, Kamran thinks we need one more.

And then we spend the rest of the night trying to decide who’s drunker.

I win the contest when he finds me on my back in his bed, giggling and kicking the air. Hooray for fake holidays!

Hurts So Good

Filed under it's fun to be fat


Kamran: Apparently it’s named for Luther Vandross, who apparently loved these.
me: OMG!
Kamran: Do you understand what’s going on there?
me: Is that sausage or beef? ‘Cause sausage would ALMOST make sense to me.
Kamran: Beef. It’s a hamburger.
me: Bacon and cheese?
Kamran: Hamburger with bacon and cheese on a glazed donut bun.
me: Should we try it?
Kamran: No. Luther Vandross is dead.
me: Yes, but . . . I want to die having lived a full life, Kamran.
Kamran: A full life doesn’t require a hamburger with a glazed donut bun. Just like it doesn’t require shooting up heroin.
me: Then what DOES it require, huh?
Kamran: Might feel good, but it fucks you up.
me: Kinda like my love.

In Which Kamran Dips His Hand in Poo

Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession

February 1st, 11 a.m.

Kamran: oh god katie
my worst nightmare just came true
my phone fell in the toilet
I feel woozy
i seriously feel nauseous. i might cry.
please don’t tell anybody
It’s still working?
Kamran: i dont think so
it’s wrapped in paper towels in my drawer right now
it’s making funny colors. i dont think it’s working
me: Ahh, geez.
What happened?
Kamran: it was in my pocket, apparently not deep enough. when i stood up to zip up, it fell out and into the toilet
i fished it out (dear god) and dried it off with toilet paper. then i washed my hands fifty times
me: I feel so bad!
Kamran: me too
i cant even get my numbers and stuff off of it. they’re all lost
my life has been rebooted
the pics you sent, my chess record
me: Wow.
Kamran: Give me your phone number
i quite literally feel like throwing up …
me: I know just how you feel.
Kamran: oh yea?
me: When a story I’ve been working on gets deleted, when my hard drive has crashed, etc.
Kamran: yea. when you’ve had to fish your phone out of a bowl of your own shit
do you think i can get a new phone with service and everything over my lunch break, or is that too ambitious?
me: I think you can. Easily.
Kamran: so i’d have a working phone this afternoon?
me: Yes.
Kamran: and i wouldnt need to take my old one in
me: Why not?
Kamran: because it was in a bowl of my shit
and i’d rather not carry it around
me: Well, I’d say you might want to bring it in case there’s a warranty.
Kamran: i’m too embarrassed to explain it
why it’s wrapped in paper towels
i should just suck it up and consider it a $300 lesson
that fucking sucks
What a dumbass i am
me: Don’t feel that way. Could’ve happened to anyone.
Kamran: besides, i doubt the warranty covers this
me: If there’s a warranty, it covers anything that you might do to it.
I know people who have run over their phones with their cars just to get a new one.
Kamran: wouldn’t i need to go home and check the box and stuff?
or would they do it just based on the phone itself
even though it doesnt turn on
me: Yep, if it won’t turn on, that’s probably grounds for getting a new one.
Kamran: what a fucking hassle
me: Just tell them that you dropped it in water.
Kamran: yea, i will
meantime, i’ll cringe every time they or I have to touch it

Later That Afternoon

Kamran: i should probably take the battery out of my old phone before i throw it away, right?
i dont really want to touch it though
not to keep the battery or anything, but just in case it’s a fire hazard or something
meh, i guess if it was going to blow up, it probably would have by now
me: Well, keeping the battery isn’t a bad idea, anyway.
Kamran: but it has poo in it
me: Clean it!
Kamran: –puke–
Listen, it hasn’t been that long since I reached bare-handed into a pool of my own lukewarm feces. I’m still a little sensitive.
me: Man up.
Bear Grylls does this sort of thing every day.
Kamran: I’m SO gonna poo on you in your sleep tonight
maybe i’ll poo in a bag, slip it up over your hand, and affix it with a rubber band, so as to avoid getting the bed dirty

Later That Night

We stopped by his office after dinner, and he revealed that he was keeping the poo-stained BlackBerry in his desk drawer:

When he threw it in the trash a moment later, the little red message light at the top stayed on, and we imagined some poor cleaning lady fishing it out, thinking that it was still working and that she’d made a real find. Mwahahahaha.